Since managing to obtain a legitimate copy of GTA IV on Friday, I’ve been getting all sorts of random messages from complete strangers on Xbox Live, who want to be my “friend”.

…And many questions, too! I thought it would be a good Idea to answer a select handful here, so that no more of you cunts fucking harass me while I’m playing.

1. WHERE DID YOU DOWNLOAD IT?

I downloaded it on a special network outside of the internet, called “real life”. I uploaded “money” into someone’s hand and they downloaded a disk into mine.

2. HOW ARE YOU PLAYING GTA4?

With a joypad. Just a regular Xbox wireless one. I did try a Wiimote, but for some reason it didn’t work.

3. HELP ME HELP ME, MY BROTHER’S AUNT’S DOG’S HOUSEMATE TOLD ME I’M GOIGN TO GET BANNED FROM XBOX LIVE FOR PLAYING IT EARLY OH HELP ME, HELP ME PLEASE! KTHXBYE!

Who do you think I am? Superman? Want me to fly around the world at super speed the wrong way and turn back time, maybe?

If your copy is an original, legitimate copy, there is nothing MS can do, and there would be hell to pay if they did. Whichever retailer who sold it to you may possibly get into a bit of hot water if someone reported them for breaking the release date, but you’ll be fine. If you are dirty, filthy pirate scum… on the other hand, I have no sympathy. I hope Rockstar find you and cut your toes off.

SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDWAY OFFICES

Ed Boon: I’ve got it! finally I’ve thought of an Idea that will make me bigger than Jesus!

Midway Employee: What’s that then?

Ed Boon: Remember that Street Fighter vs Marvel series of games our arch-enemies at Capcom did 10 years ago? Well, why don’t WE make a Mortal Kombat game with DC characters!

Midway Employee: DC Characters? You’re having a laugh. Marvel have been on a huge upturn of popularity in the last decade, whilst DC really… haven’t. Especially in the cinema. The only Decent thing to come from them has been the new Batman movie.

Ed Boon: Batman is cool! And DARK! Just like the Mortal Kombat characters!

Midway Employee: And the others? Aquaman? He’s just shit! And Superman is about as “dark” as snow… Anyway, how in fuck would you do a fatality on fucking Superman? He’s nigh invulnerable, unless everyone else is wearing kryptonite gloves. Actually, come to think of it, I don’t think Warner Brothers will be happy at all with any of their properties having their arms or spine removed.

Ed Boon: We don’t need fatalities! Mortal Kombat wasn’t about blood and gore, it’s about my wonderful character designs and deep storyline!

Midway Employee: Are you on crack? All anyone cared about in MK was the fatalities. That was the only “hook” it had, and as soon as people got bored of that and realised the actual game wasn’t that good, they just stopped playing our games. Lets face it, Street Fighter it’s not.

Ed Boon: You’re fired! I’m right! I’m always right! I’m the almighty ED BOON!

I’ve only gone and done it! after saying i would never ever EVER by another bloody MMO I have just non ironically, and with no hint of postmodernism, preordered Age of Conan. I am really annoyed with myself at the moment! Maybe its the madness of finally being the captain of my own ship, and on my own, and no one telling me i shouldn’t be such a fucking idiot… I don’t know! I will review it for you as I go I guess, and let you know how much fun it isn’t – After Lord of the Rings online, you’d have thought I’d learn! but oooooh no… tosser.